Divorce and Children

A divorce creates many changes in a young person's life.  An old way of living is ending and there is anxiety that the future will be less secure and less loving.

 

You can help your children meet the challenges that divorce brings by understanding what they are going through.  By knowing how youngsters feel about divorce and the normal reactions they have to it, you will be in a better position to help your children cope with it.

 

Normal Reactions To Divorce That Children May Have

• Anger-Angry at both parents, at self and siblings (may be hidden anger or expressed through words or behaviors); increased sibling conflicts.

 

• Denial-Pretending the divorce did not occur or acting as if they are unaffected; trying to reunite parents.

 

• Fear-Worrying about their own or other's safety and security; expressing fears about their own welfare and future caregiving; clinging, seeking contact and reassurance.

 

• Guilt/Self Blame-Wishful thinking and many "if only's", asking questions over and over, seeking reassurance and relief; blaming themselves in overt and/or hidden ways; unconsciously seeking punishment.

 

• Health/Sleep Changes-Minor health complaints; appetite changes, sleep changes, bad dreams, fear of sleeping alone.

 

• Insecurity-Clinging; refusing to go to school; increased possessiveness of people, pets and possessions; testing and seeking limits, especially when switching from one parent's home to the other; seeking substitute figures.

 

• Protection of Parents-Acting like little adults, hiding their grief so they can comfort and nurture the parent.

 

• Regression-Returning to earlier level of functioning (seeking out security blanket, bedwetting); usually turns around quickly with reassurance and the absence of criticism and judgment.

 

• Sadness-Saddened constantly or at intervals; crying, tired or hyperactive, withdrawn.

 

Do's and Don't For Parents

DO remember that the children need to love both parents.

DO encourage and clearly answer questions about the divorce.

DO be patient with the children.

DO tell the truth about the divorce so far as you are able.

DO allow for expression of feelings by your children.

DO offer comfort, warmth and support.

DO reassure the children that divorce is an adult problem and that children do not cause divorce.

DO reassure the children that you will always be their parent.

DO take care of yourself and your own well-being.

DO preserve the normal household routines and keep changes to a minimum.

DO try to build similar rules and routines in both homes.

DO use family, support groups and professionals for help.

DO learn about the normal responses of children to divorce.

DO set up a place for children's belongings during visiting.

DO make significant adults in children's lives aware of the divorce. (Teacher, counselors, doctors, etc.)

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DON'T send messages to your ex-spouse through the children.

DON'T ask children to keep secrets from your ex-spouse.

DON’T use the children as pawns in power struggles with your ex-spouse.

DON'T belittle or criticize the other parent in front of the children.

DON'T tell the children what to think or feel.

DON'T ask the children to take sides or pump them for information about your ex-spouse.

DON'T use the children as confidants or substitutes for your spouse and friends.

DON'T compare your feelings to those that your children have.

DON'T block your children's wish to talk and ask questions about the divorce and the changes it brings.

DON'T put the children in the middle of any conflicts with your ex-spouse.